Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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