He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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