my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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