I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
