We named our party play list daddy issues
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
