I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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