i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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