Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
