Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
