Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
