This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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