dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
