i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
