Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
