I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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