mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
