I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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