were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
