just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
