Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
