how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
