i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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