Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
