i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
