He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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