And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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