Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
