I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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