I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
