On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pants are for mortals
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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