We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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