Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
