somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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