Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
