if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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