I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
