Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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