You made me cry and you don't even care
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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