Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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