someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
then he tried to convert me to islam
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
