Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
