i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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