i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
