got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
