you guys were way drunker than both of me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
