Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
