why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
