So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
