On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
