3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
